TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional position where American Males can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you All people a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he ought to quit using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the challenge, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Room, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following locating the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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